St Joseph's Roman Catholic Primary School, Pickering
English
Writing Test Exemplars
2003

1.	The Queue: Exemplar 1

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION
	Summary
	Simple sentence structure with some limited variation (eg adverbials) leads to Band A2. Some weaknesses in sentence punctuation suggest the lower mark in band.
Band A2 – 2 marks
	TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Attempts to divide the story using paragraphs and time references lead to Band B2. Some repetition and lack of clarity in character and pronoun reference suggest the lower mark in band.
Band B2 – 2 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Character development limited as reported speech used rather than dialogue (his mum told him); some attempt to develop events (Suddenly a boy came over) (C2).
•	Viewpoint: some observation of David’s feelings (really excited) but not sustained (C2).
•	Some attempts at precise vocabulary to describe behaviour (yanked) but use of figurative language is not entirely successful (C2).
	Summary
	Use of story form, some evidence of viewpoint and development of events suggest Band C2. Lack of character development supported by dialogue or description justifies lowest mark in band.
Band C2 – 3 marks

2.	The Queue: Exemplar 2

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION
	Summary
	Simple attempts to vary sentence construction through speech suggest Band A2, but some incomplete sentences and inconsistency of demarcation point to lower mark in band.
Band A2 – 2 marks
	TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Some evidence of paragraph division and organisation of the story sequence lead to Band B2. Greater clarity of reference to characters would be necessary for award in a higher band. 
Band B2 – 3 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Some development of events: entry of Jade’s mum prepared for by earlier reference in queue (all on her own). Dialogue between characters interests reader but detracts from pace (C2).
•	Viewpoint: main outcome suggests moral framework as Jade’s disobedience is punished (above C2).
•	Vocabulary choices often simple but occasionally apt (atenstn) or descriptive (gabed). Humorous ending attempted (are not) (C2).
	Summary
	Story form used to present a moral tale with attempts to amuse reader. Some development of characters through direct speech (C2) although more developed use of pace and balance between dialogue and narration would be necessary for mark in higher band.
Band C2 – 5 marks

3.	The Queue: Exemplar 3

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION
	Summary
	Evidence of sentence variation through adverbials, different sentence types and subordination leads to Band A3. Limited phrasal expansion and some weaknesses in sentence punctuation suggest lower mark in band.
Band A3 – 4 marks

	TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Use of paragraphs to divide groups of related events, and development of events within the paragraph lead to Band B3. More secure use of time and place shifts to shape story would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Adaptation of story events to provide surprise at end of story. Relationship between Lee and Mum built up through dialogue and narration (Lee was moaning) (C3).
•	Viewpoint: reader experiences events mostly from Lee’s perspective – adds interest to ending (how it got here so fast?) (C3).
•	Conversational language between characters creates realistic impression although use of speech not sustained. Some vocabulary choices are descriptive (poured) (C3).
	Summary
	Character development, maintenance of viewpoint and realistic dialogue supporting adaptation of events suggest Band C3. More interaction between characters to support second half of story is needed for higher mark in band.
Band C3 – 7 marks

4.	The Queue: Exemplar 4

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION
	Summary
	Evidence of variety and range in sentence construction, expansion and range of punctuation lead to Band A4. Some inconsistency within sentence punctuation suggests lower mark in band.
Band A4 – 6 marks
	TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION 
	Summary
	Support of story shape through paragraph divisions and secure reference and development of ideas within sections lead to the upper mark in Band B3. Further control of overall text structure is necessary for award in higher band.
Band B3 – 5 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Differentiation of main characters established through Ed’s attempts to persuade his mum. Attempt to prepare for ending (couldn’t think where he’d seen her) (C3) – but weakened by pacing.
•	Viewpoint maintained: Ed’s efforts to get game portrayed with humour. Events (He lost his mum in the big rush) do not have serious consequences (C3).
•	Detail used to suggest convincing character feeling (pressed his nose against the smooth glass) but little description of inside shop (C3).
	Summary
	Character development and events supporting chosen viewpoint merit Band C3. More effective use of pace and description is needed for higher mark in band.
Band C3 – 6 marks

5.	The Queue: Exemplar 5

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION
	Summary
	Variety in use of verbs and expanded sentence construction together with punctuation range merit Band A4. Some inconsistency in comma use suggests lower mark in band. 
Band A4 – 6 marks
	TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Divisions supporting story shape and evidence of internal paragraph development lead to the higher mark in Band B3. Build-up and inclusion of main story complication is necessary for award in higher band.
Band B3 – 5 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Adaptation evident in development of main character’s reaction (Zac was normally a polite boy) (C3), but lack of event development precludes full build-up of tension.
•	Viewpoint: anticipation in queue given emphasis as wait is portrayed from Zac’s perspective (what if there wasn’t enough?) (C3).
•	Language choices in dialogue are convincing (Can we buy it? Please!) and distinct from style of narration (The only problem was that…) (C3).
	Summary
	Interesting presentation of main character, consistent style of dialogue and narration and use of viewpoint lead to Band C3. Greater adaptation of events is necessary for award in higher band.
Band C3 – 8 marks

6.	The Queue: Exemplar 6

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION
	Summary
	Varied and secure sentence construction together with accurate use of a range of punctuation leads to the higher mark in Band A4. Greater manipulation of word order for emphasis is necessary for highest band.
Band A4 – 7 marks
	TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Organisation of whole story supported by links within text, and use of mood contrast to give internal shape lead to Band B4. Further management of paragraph development is necessary for higher mark in band.
Band B4 – 6 marks

	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Changes in pace help maintain interest in events – slow frustration of queue (but they wouldn’t budge). Action in shop (lept…lept…grabbed) and relationship between Jamie and Kelly develop through story (C4).
•	Viewpoint: control shown as key events portrayed from Jamie’s point of view – his increasing awareness of Kelly emerges (the other person…when Jamie looked up it was a girl, Kelly from school) (C4).
•	Engaging storytelling style is sustained; interactions between characters supported by narrator's comments (amazed that his own mother didn’t know...) (C4).
	Summary
	Use of pace, development of character and events, consistency of style and management of viewpoint for effect lead to highest mark in band. Further use of detail for setting would be necessary for award of highest mark.
Band C4 – 11 marks

7.	A New Toy: Exemplar 1

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Use of clauses which are mostly simple or linked with and or or, repetition of subjects and verbs, simple adjectives and adverbs used to support persuasion along with mostly accurate punctuation lead to a mark just into Band D2.
Band D2 – 2 marks

	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Some description of toy’s features (bark like a real Dog) with explanation of its appeal to the audience (stop that winying) (E2).
•	Viewpoint: content included to impress audience (scare them off like mad) (E2).
•	Stylistic choices focus on persuasive appeal (buy! buy! buy!) (E2).
	Summary
	Conversational style of address and clear evidence of purpose support the award of a mark in Band E2. There is sufficient, if uneven, coverage of points to merit the higher mark in the band.
Band E2 – 3 marks

8.	A New Toy: Exemplar 2

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Attempts to vary sentence types and group content in sections support the award of 2 marks. Accurate sentence demarcation adds further evidence for this mark.
Band D2 – 2 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Advertisement form is maintained and some features of the toy are described in detail (tells tickling jokes) (E3).
•	Speaker presents friendly relationship with audience, with attempts to create humorous appeal (even your gran’ll like) (E3).
•	Vocabulary chosen for persuasive effect – (brand new / best / fastest) (E3).

	Summary
	Although coverage is somewhat uneven, the use of humour and the conversational tone lift this advertisement into Band E3. To gain the higher mark in the band the style of address to the implied audience would need to be sustained throughout.
Band E3 – 4 marks

9.	A New Toy: Exemplar 3

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Use of adverbials and expanded noun phrases adds to variation in sentence structures. Punctuation is also accurate and varied, but text organisation is weaker; on balance, the piece merits 3 marks.
Band D3 – 3 marks 
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Content is detailed, with several points being developed to interest the audience (it dosen’t hurt your fist) (E3).
•	Viewpoint: positive view of the toy is presented; speaker’s knowledge is established (E3).
•	Persuasive phrases are used throughout the piece, interwoven with more descriptive phrases (the right thing for you / very spacious) (E3).

	Summary
	Balanced coverage of the toy with several features clearly identified, but address to the audience is less assured. Some uncertainty caused by the broad focus on children and adults, but the careful combination of description and persuasion pushes the piece to the upper mark in E3.
Band E3 – 5 marks

10.	A New Toy: Exemplar 4

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Use of varied sentence structure, further supported by punctuation including commas to mark phrases, suggests 3 marks. Greater organisation of content would be necessary for highest band.
Band D3 – 3 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Overview of product given (new, ultimate, Mega Master blaster) with appropriate supporting detail (top of the range dvd system); address to audience apparent (you … the only person at school) but not sustained throughout (E4).
•	Viewpoint: writing gives impression of concern for audience’s budget (Don’t worry you won’t brake the bank) (E4).
•	Persuasive focus established by choice of positive vocabulary (amazing radio / brilliant offer) (E4).

	Summary
	Thorough coverage of points relating to the product and consistent focus on persuasion point to a mark in band E4. More effective use of stylistic features would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band E4 – 6 marks

11.	A New Toy: Exemplar 5

	SENTENCE  STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Use of shortened structures and expanded noun phrases varies sentence structure. Less varied punctuation but the sentence structure and organisational features of the text merit the award of 4 marks.
Band D4 – 4 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Some comments and details designed to interest child audience (electrifying laser gun) (E4) but other appeals more relevant to adult audience (ready to stop crime).
•	Viewpoint: direct address (Hey Kids!) is sustained by conversational tone; speaker is both knowledgeable and enthusiastic (If not than listen) (E4).
•	Vocabulary choices reflect persuasive and descriptive purposes of text (super silver armor / huge offer) (E4).

	Summary
	Advertisement form is adapted with the establishment of an implied question and answer scenario. Appeal to audience would need to be clearly controlled in order to gain the higher mark in the band.
Band E4 – 6 marks

12.	A New Toy: Exemplar 6

	SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
	Summary
	Variation and control of sentence structures, accurate punctuation and the organisation of content support the award of 4 marks, even though control of organisation is not sustained throughout.
Band D4 – 4 marks
	COMPOSITION & EFFECT
•	Comments and detail consistently addressed to adult audience (Are your toddlers getting bored with their teddy bears?) (E4).
•	Viewpoint: knowledge of product establishes speaker as authoritative voice (Your toddlers will be busy … all day) (E4).
•	Stylistic device engages audience (Bubbles … bubbles of fun) (E4).

	Summary
	Opening paragraph establishes persuasive purpose and subsequent content is adapted to the adult audience focusing on educational and social benefits of the toy. More use of stylistic devices appropriate to the genre would be needed for the highest band.
Band E4 – 7 marks